


Even If I Tried

by nevermindgrantaire



Series: She Keeps Me Warm [2]
Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, F/F, Miscommunication, Non-Binary Jean Prouvaire, Spectacular arguments, fem!Enjolras, fem!Grantaire - Freeform, no seriously i updated it and now there are even more arguments, not as sad as it sounds, possible alcohol abuse cw, still quite sad though, they're both girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:12:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2221875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevermindgrantaire/pseuds/nevermindgrantaire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enjolras is worried about Grantaire. Grantaire is keen to stay away from Enj incase prolonged exposure worstens her huge crush. Neither of them actually talk to each other and so naturally huge misunderstandings occur.</p><p>Alternative title: E and R are both v. clever but are incapable of talking ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

To be fair to Enjolras, the fight hadn’t exactly been her fault.

They were sat on the edge of the field in the aftermath, Jehan openly crying and Courfeyrac’s bouncy smile dimmed into an expression of shock. Beside her, Feuilly was shaking a little and Enjolras felt bad remembering how much he hated fighting.

Eponine opened her mouth to talk at the exact same time as Enjolras. “Fucks sake, Enj, you should have noticed she wasn’t exactly right today-”

“I’m really, really sorry-”

Ep leaned back and laughed sourly, one hand on Jehan’s knee. On their other side, Joly was leaning his head on their shoulder and tracing soothing circles on their side. “Go say that to Taire, why don’t you.”

Ferre frowned. “Ok, that’s not entirely fair. Enjolras was only trying to help.”

“Brilliant job,” Eponine snarked. “A*, first class.”

“Ep, stop it.” Bossuet chimed in softly, glancing at Enjolras’ face. Her lower lip was wobbling slightly.

“I didn’t mean it to go that far, I swear.” She muttered, chewing her lip. “I didn’t know-” Her voice cracked and she paused for a second. “What do I do?”

It hadn’t exactly been her fault but she had helped.

 

 

_R had been arguing with everyone more and more recently, drinking and staying out just to escape for a while, and it was getting worse. She looked tired, with those huge dark circles under her eyes and the dark flush over her cheeks. Mascara from the night before was seeping into the cracks in her skin, the tiny laughter lines around her eyes. Her hair was a mess, sticking up in all directions with frizz and hanging limply around her face with grease. She looked, to put it politely, gross. She felt even grosser._

_She had been one of the first out to lunch and Enjolras had joined her a few moments later, perfect blonde hair pulled up in a smart pony tail and red leather jacket on over her school uniform, little golden head girl badge glinting on her chest, and she was honestly the last person she wanted to see._

_“So, um. How are you?” Enjolras asked awkwardly, picking the grass on the field and threading it into a chain._

_R laughed. “Never been better, my dear Artemis. Never been better.” Trying to be surreptitious, she slid the bottle in her hand further behind her back and out of the golden girl’s view._

_“About the other night,” Enjolras started and she flinched, closing her eyes. "Courfeyrac's party..."_

_“Can we please not talk about that right now?”_

_“We can’t avoid it, can we? You were in such a bad way, I’m worried, R!”_

_“Oh, since when do you care?”_

_Enjolras frowned, sitting up a little. “I always care about my friends.”_

_“And we’re friends?” She gestured between themselves, at the tension in the air. “This is what you call friends, is it?”_

_“Don’t be antagonistic.”_

_“Don’t use long words to make yourself sound clever, I’m not impressed.”_

_“Why are you so bloody frustrating? Why can’t you just accept my help?”_

_“Why can’t you just leave me alone? I clearly don’t want or need your help.”_

_Enjolras sagged, suddenly tired. “R, please. Just stop. I can help you, I can come with you to talk to a teacher or someone, or I can come with you to the doctors or anything but please let me help you. The state you were in last night… I wouldn’t want to see my worst enemy go through that and you are far from my worst enemy.”_

_“Sure doesn’t feel like it sometimes.” R could see the others coming towards them now and she plastered on a smile. “Look, can we just drop it now?”_

_“No, this is serious. This is important, even if you can’t see it. It’s clear you have a problem and if you keep leaving it… It’s just going to get worse.”_

_“Enjolras, I said drop it.”_

_“You aren’t listening to me!”_

_“No, you aren’t listening to me! This is my problem and I will deal with it as I see fit and currently I see fit to self-medicate with a lot of fucking alcohol and ignore everything in the hope that it will go away. I-” She froze, taking in a sudden breath that shook her shoulders. “I-”_

_The others were close enough to hear now, and they were glancing over with concern scrawled on their faces._

_“Grantaire?” Eponine broke away from the main group and darted towards them, hovering a hand over her shoulder. “Breathe, honey. I’m here. Look at me, I’m here.”_

_Another sharp intake of breath racked her body, shoulders shaking._

_Eponine glared at Enjolras. “What the fuck did you say to her to trigger a panic attack, you fucking moron?”_

_“I didn’t-”_

_“Shut up and make yourself useful, posh girl. Go get a teacher.”_

_Enjolras stood, legs shaky and half ran._

 

 

“Apologise,” Ferre repeated with a shrug. “It’s all you can do.”

Enjolras nodded and stood up, wiping grass off her jeans.

“Try not to make it worse!” Eponine called after her.

 

*****

 

Grantaire looked a mess. She had been crying, clearly, and there was a smudge of blood over her cheekbone. She was sat on one of the cheap blue plastic seats outside the head teacher’s office, watching the blue-toned paint peel off the door frame, and Enjolras slid into the seat next to her.

“What are you doing here?” Grantaire glanced at her sideways and bit her lip to hold back a fresh rush of tears. Her hands, dabbed with ink and paint and shaking slightly, clutched desperately to the edge of the chair to ground herself.

“I came to see if you were alright.”

“Well, I’m fine, no thanks to you. So you’ve seen your little side show, now piss off.”

“I was trying to help!”

“Not exactly successful, was it?”

Enjolras sat in silence for a moment, chewing her cheek. “I’m sorry, if that helps.”

“Not really.”

The blonde girl nodded. Awkwardly, almost like she didn’t realise she was doing it, she bought her hand up and brushed against Grantaire’s cheek. The blood smeared and R flinched away and she didn’t know what to do so she pulled her hand away and wiped the blood away on her jeans.

“God, I’m just so stupid.”

“No, you’re not. Don’t say that, it isn’t your fault.”

R snorted. “Sure.”

“It isn’t!”

“That’s not exactly what my Dad says, is it?” She ran a hand through her hair, all mussed up and slightly sweaty. “God, I wish I’d never met you sometimes.”

Again, Enjolras nodded. Staring at her hands, she didn’t reply.

“I hate myself for doing shit like this sometimes. Why don’t I just sit still and stay calm like everyone else, why is it me that starts breathing like a fucking walrus when I get scared? Why am I so incapable of acting like a normal fucking human being?”

“Don’t talk like that-”

“Stop telling me what to do! I can’t keep on like this, but I can’t change either. I’ve tried to stop drinking, tried to stay on my dad’s good side. I’ve tried so hard, god. I don’t want to be me anymore, hell, I _hate_ me, I don’t want to-”

Enjolras had been biting her lip to stop herself talking but she couldn’t hold her breath any more. “Shut up! Just. Shut up, ok?”

Grantaire looked up at her through her fringe, eyes wet and make up drastically screwed up and glowering. “Make. Me.” She hissed.

The taller girl didn’t even think about it, not properly. She leaned across the chair, tangling her long fingers into R’s hair and pulling slightly so that she gasped in a breath and then dragging her close. At first it wasn’t even a kiss, it was more of a punch but using her face, but then R slid her freezing cold hands around the back of her neck and pulled back to soften the kiss and Enjolras wanted to cry because she was so fucking perfect. She could taste blood, and it was physically impossible to pull the dark haired girl any closer than she was already so she scrambled up onto the seat and slid onto her lap, pushing a hiss of air out of R. When the dark haired girl teased her tongue along her lip, Enjolras actually whined and R giggled into the kiss. E leant in closer, tipping back her head and tracing a finger over her neck.

R’s fingers skimmed across the edge of Enjolras’ red tank top, brushing over her hip bone and the flat white skin of her stomach. Warm to the touch. For a second, she opened her eyes and took a breath and saw the bruised red of Enjolras’ mouth and thought _I did that. I turned marble into flesh, if only for an instant._

A sudden crash made them split apart. Breathing hard, Grantaire sat for a moment staring spaced out at her bag which had fallen off the chair, her books and papers spread out all over the floor.

Enjolras had leapt a mile, pushing herself back to sit right on the end of the row of chairs, and she was staring at Grantaire in shock. She looked perfectly dishevelled, her hair all messed up and her lips stained even redder than they usually were, but her eyes were glancing at R panicked and she was biting her lip.

“Enjolras,” R started to say, and she wouldn’t look her in the eye.

“I-” She choked on her words. “I have to go.” She said and grabbed her bag, rubbing her lips as she backed away like she could rub away what had just happened.

Grantaire blinked, sat for a moment staring at the spot where Enjolras had been sitting. Shit.

 

********

 

“Well, I don’t know what you did but you definitely made it worse,” Eponine appeared next to her the next day in the corridor on her way to form.

“How is she?” Enj bit her lip. For once she was looking not so perfect and on closer inspection Eponine started to feel a little sorry for her and relented. Her hair was all matted in its ponytail and her eyes had huge circles underneath them.

“Wobbly. The nurse told her to stay home today but she didn’t listen…” She paused. “She’s not great to be honest, but she’s here at least.”

Fuck. “Look, I need to-”

“You need to leave her alone. I don’t want to be harsh but you’ve done enough already. I get that you were worried about her, of course I do, but-”

“I’m in love with her,” Enjolras said quietly.

“What?”

“I’m in love with her, so much it hurts and I don’t know what to do.”

“Shit,” Eponine murmured. “That… sucks.”

“I know.”

“How long?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t stand seeing her sad.”

Eponine looked her up and down with one eyebrow raised, struggling not to be too unsympathetic. “If it makes you feel any better, you could have fucked up worse.”

Enjolras looked up at her like a wounded puppy, trying to give one of her trademark scorching glares and failing because her lower lip was wobbling. “Yeah. Surprisingly it doesn’t.”

“Yeah. Didn’t really think it would to be honest.”

“Anyway.” She straightened up her blazer and nudged her head girl badge back into place, neatening her hair and checking she had all her books. Back to normal all of a sudden. “Don’t… Don’t tell the others, ok? I really couldn’t deal with that.”

Ep shrugged. “It’s all the same to me, Posh Girl, I barely know you. All I care about is you not fucking stuff up for my friend again because you’re too emotionally constipated to deal with your problems.”

“I’ll see you at lunch, I suppose.”

“Apologise to her if you get the opportunity.”

“… We’ll see.”

 

********

 

Of course she tracked her down to apologise at the nearest opportunity, finding her sat out in the corridor behind the library on her own at break.

She had her headphones in and her eyes closed, her dark hair hanging down around her face in perfect spiral curls. She was violating practically every single uniform violation it was possible to violate, and that made Enj smile the tiniest bit. She was very pale though, her naturally dark skin taking on a slightly ashy pallor, and her freckles stood out staunchly. Perching on the very edge of a broken office chair that had been dragged back there for repairs, she was hugging her knees tight and shaking a little.

“R?”

Grantaire’s eyes flew open and she half jumped off the seat. “What the fuck?”

“R. I wanted to…” Her voice trailed off. “I…”

“Fuck off.”

“What? No, just listen to me, I- We need to talk about what happened yesterday.”

Grantaire’s eyes glazed over a little, and she got paler if anything. “Yeah, sure.” She said and her voice was quieter. “I won’t tell anyone, you don’t have to worry about your fucking reputation or anything, that’s for sure.”

“That’s not what I was going to say.”

“It’s what you were thinking. You’d never keep your place as head girl if it became known you lowered yourself to even go near someone like me.”

“Please, R. Don’t argue, I came to apologise!”

“What, apologise for kissing me?” Grantaire narrowed her eyes. “Oh, how kind of you, mighty Artemis, deigning to apologise to a lowly human.” Her voice had taken on a sarcastic edge so biting it made Enj take a step back.

“No, I…”

“You what? You didn’t mean it, you didn’t realise? It was an accident? Which one of those millions of excuses is it going to be this time? Take your pick, I’m waiting.”

“I’m not going to make excuses.”

“Fuck off.” She turned away, jamming her headphones in her ears and cranking up the volume so loud that Enjolras could hear the tinny thumping beat from a few steps away.

She crossed over and tugged the wire out of her ears. “Listen to me!”

“No! Why should I?”

“Because I’m trying to explain!”

“So explain. I’m listening.”

There was a pause. Enjolras shuffled awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, or upset you.”

“Oh no, of course not! Because you really thought that out before you did it, right? You reasoned it out and figured, might as well, it’s not like a fucking Tantalus situation or anything here! Ha! You know I was truly in love with you for years? Well, you wouldn’t know that, would you, because you never noticed me at all. Am I worthy of your attention now, Artemis?” She was screaming now, dry eyed and hoarse. “Am I truly?”

Enjolras closed her eyes. “If you would just shut up for a moment and let me explain-”

“Tell me to shut up one more time and you will regret it.” R snarled and whirled around, stalking out of the door and slamming it hard behind her.

 

*****

 

 

Enjolras had gone through the rest of the day in silence.

On the way home, the bus driver had taken one look at her tired face and had given her a cheerful “Don’t worry love, he’s not worth it.”

She had been too sad to give him a lecture on the harmful effects of heteronormativity, instead just giving him a weak smile and collapsing into a seat.

At home, she went straight to her room and sat on the bed hard, bouncing for a few seconds while she tried to work out what to do. Um. She turned on her laptop and checked Facebook but no one was online except Jehan and she really didn’t want an inbox full of love poetry that day of all days so she logged out. She had history homework to do, an essay on the causes of World War II, but her desk was a mess. Maybe sorting that out would calm her down.

With shaking hands, she fumbled around until everything was perfectly straight on her desk, three biros and three pencils lined up next to each other in perfect symmetry. Blinking, Enjolras stared at it for a moment. Then she burst into tears and slid into her chair, knees buckling.

It felt like hours that she sat there, biting her lip hard to stop herself crying.

This was all going wrong. She hadn’t meant to upset R in the first place, she was just worried. And now she was angry and she knew that Enjolras liked her and of course E didn’t care about her position as head girl being endangered, that was ridiculous. She just wanted to talk about it properly. R had made it pretty obvious she wasn’t… What, exactly? That was the problem, she barely knew what was going on.

Refusing to think about it further, she pulled out her history text book and started drafting an essay. As the words started to form and her mind started to drift, she steadily ignored the tears that were dripping down her face and soaking into the page.

She was fine.

It was all…. Fine.

 

****

 

Grantaire didn’t talk to her the next day.

Or the next.

Or the next.

She acted like she was infectious, crossed the corridor to avoid her, would leave their group of friends if she came near. The others noticed of course, and whispered about it, but no one except Ferre was brave enough to say anything to Enjolras. When he did, though, he was just met with silence and lip-biting so he decided to just leave it alone.

And Enjolras felt stupid. She hated feeling stupid.

If they just spoke, if R would just listen to her, she knew that they could… They could be ok again.

Eventually, after a week of stone cold silence and sat alone in her bedroom, she picked up her phone and dialled.

When it picked up on the third ring, she jumped a little.

“Hello, this is R speaking, who is this?”

“Hi, it’s… It’s me.”

There was a clatter, and then the dial tone sounded. It carried on, and on, seeming to get louder and louder.

Enjolras took a breath and nodded to herself, and chucked her phone on the table. It was pretty stupid to try, frankly. This was over now. She would stop worrying about this silly crush, stop thinking about it, because it wasn’t going to go anywhere and she was tired. She didn’t want anything more to do with-

The phone rang, and she scrambled to reach it, desperately clawing the phone.

“Hello?” She said breathlessly.

“Ok so I did mean to hang up on you then.” Grantaire’s voice said and her resolve to forget it all melted away. “But Eponine says that I have to hear you out and we need to talk about this.”

“Yes. Yes, ok, good. Great!”

“This is not-” R paused on her end of the line. “I’m not saying we can be friends again. Just that we can talk.”

“Ok.” She took a steadying breath. “Ok.”

“So. Talk.”

“Wouldn’t this be better face to face?”

“You have two minutes. Get talking.” In the background, Enj could hear Eponine scolding R for her harsh tone and it made her smile just the tiniest bit.

“Ok. Well. I am sorry. I really truly am sorry from the depths of my heart for kissing you without your consent and I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. And I am sorry that-”

“Wait a second. What did you just say?”

E frowned. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable?”

“You’re sorry for kissing me without my consent? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought I was pretty clear.”

“What? I don’t…”

“Right, what do you think is going on here, exactly? Because I don’t think we’re on the same page.”

“Um. Well, I upset you and then when I was apologising for upsetting you I kissed you and I came across as really creepy and weird and you didn’t want me to kiss you so you got angry with me and I was very scared that I’d ruined our friendship. Or, not friendship because I don't think that's what you think it was but I do like to think that we were friends, before all of this, I really do. Even if you don't like me back, I've always-” She paused, breathless.

Grantaire… laughed. “Breathe, E.”

“What’s funny?” Enjolras frowned.

“I thought. I thought you kissed me out of pity and then ran because you realised what a mistake you’d made. So I was upset with you and then you tried to apologise again and ugh, I have been so in love with you for years. You can’t understand, you don’t understand, I… For me, you kissing me was like putting the jug of water in front of Tantalus in Hades. Showing me exactly what I wanted, but what I could never have. That was what I was trying to say when we argued last.”

"I'm sorry I got frustrated."

"I'm sorry I didn't let you talk. And I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. But I mean, it's hardly plausible really. Someone like you and someone like me..."

Enj snorted. "That hardly matters to me."

"Me neither."

She could hear the smile in her voice, and it was infectious. “I think I’m in love with you too.”

R gave a little choked gaspy laugh. “How soon can you get over here? I miss you already."


	2. The Prequel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How it All Began  
> Alternative title: Grantaire Comes to Terms With the Fact That Not Everyone Adores her.
> 
> It's always just been Grantaire and Ferre, ever since they were little.  
> She doesn't take kindly to newcomers stealing her friend.

Ever since they were little, they had always shared everything. Right from their toys, to their ice lollies, to the black eyes from bullies where one would stand up for the other or vice versa and to the scraped up knees from skating down Marshall’s Hill down the road from their street. Even as they grew up, they still shared everything. Homework, secrets, friends, books, music, films, even saliva and a first kiss at a party for the end of year 9 before she admitted that she was gay and he decided that there was no one in the world that he wanted to kiss less than he wanted to kiss her. Although actually he didn't really want to kiss anyone that much.

They shared a form in collage, and shared a seat in the one class that they were in together although by then they were taking mostly different subjects (politics, history, ethics and law for him and art and design, photography, media and philosophy for her). They shared a crush in year 10 on pretty Irma Boissey in the year above and that didn't go well because neither could stand to hurt the other so they both did nothing. They shared beliefs, shared their closest circle of friends, shared families even because Grantaire just lived with her dad and went through hell with him and Combeferre only lived with his little sisters and tried to care for them...

 

Everything they had, they shared. They took care of each other. It made sense after all- the closet case and the asexual nerd. Besides, they were neighbours. Some nights, when Ferre’s parents were away and he got lonely or when Grantaire’s dad was kicking off again, it was more convenient to share a bed.

When college came around things changed a little, although not that much. Their circle of friends- previously consisting of the two of them and occasionally Eponine, a slightly grubby kid from a few streets down- expanded rapidly and while they stuck together as much as possible, they both found new circles.

Grantaire found Joly and Bossuet and Musi, while Combeferre found Courfeyrac and Bahorel and Feuilly. And Enjolras.

Enjolras was the bane of Grantaire’s existence.

 

***

 

Enjolras was tall, very slim, and blonde. Her hair was long and thick and wavy, way past her waist, and she had dark brown eyes and a little scar under her eye where she’d been hit in the face with a bottle at a protest about a year ago. She was, to put it in R’s words when she first saw her, “The living embodiment of every single teen movie antagonist ever except cold as fucking ice and vaguely reminiscent of liberty leading the people.”

Combeferre had just laughed and flopped down on her mattress-bed. “Don’t be daft,” he said with a grin, bouncing up and down on the springs.

“Don’t do that,” said Grantaire, “You’ll bend the springs.” Then she joined him, flumphing onto his lap and drawing forth worrying groaning sounds from the mattress springs. They rolled around giggling for a moment, before she sat up again. “Seriously, though. I don’t think she likes me very much.”

“You’ve never spoken to her.”

“I get a vibe.”

Combeferre raised an eyebrow. “Sure.” He sniffed. “A vibe. Right.” He pushed his glasses up his nose and straightened his shirt. “Shit, I have to go collect Aimee from her after school club, and then I’ve got a shift…”

“Do you want me to watch her for a while?”

Combeferre grinned. “Could you? I’ll love you forever.”

“Ahh, you’ll love me unconditionally forever anyway.”

He stood up and flicked her ear. “C’mon.”

“But about Enjolras-”

“You’re adorable and it’s impossible not to love you, will you shut up now?”

 

***

 

It wasn’t entirely impossible not to love her.

Most people in her life had made that perfectly clear to be honest.

Enjolras especially liked to make that point whenever she tried to sit with their little group at lunches. She’d raise her eyebrows whenever R spoke, smirk and roll her eyes at any mistakes she made, groan whenever she tried to voice an opinion like her voice meant nothing even as she advocated free speech and equality.

That wasn’t too bad, she could live with that, especially when her new-found little group of friends, Joly and Bossuet, Musi and Floreal, liked to sit with them and she didn’t want to lose them. Plus it gave her more time with Ferre, which was nice.

It was the ignoring that was the worst part.

Enjolras was never the most polite person at the best of times but even so, it seemed outright mean to Grantaire. She’d acknowledge everyone else, all the other members of the group but when it got to Grantaire her eyes would simply slide over her as if she wasn’t there.

The worst part of it was, Combeferre could hardly see it. “What do you mean? You’re being over sensitive, R. Look at it logically.”

R huffed, frustrated. “No, I-”

“She’s just not good with people, it’s nothing personal against you! Really.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s fucking personal, Ferre, she doesn’t do it to anyone else!”

“I’m sure she doesn’t realise she’s even doing it!”

“Sure, because that makes sense. Ferre, yesterday she said good morning to every single person there. Every single one. Even that weird freckly kid who started following her around. And then when she got to me, she raised her eyebrows, smirked and walked off.”

He raised his eyebrows sarcastically. “Wow. So mean.”

“Ferre! Seriously. It wouldn’t be so bad except that everyone else fucking adores her.”

“It’s just a tiny little thing, R, I don’t know why you’re letting it bother you like this.”

R put her cup down on the table, hard. “Because it’s fucking annoying!” She half shouted. “It would be ok if she had the balls to tell me outright she doesn’t like me but instead she just acts like god damn Regina George or something and ugh! I can’t stand it!”

Ferre sighed. “Are you sure you aren’t just jealous of her because she’s spending more time with me or something?”

“Oh, really dear, you’re not that much of a prize,” Grantaire snarked at him, smiling poisonously. “She’s just a bitch, ok? Seriously. She just hates me for no reason.” _And I think she’s fucking gorgeous_ , she said in her head and ok where did that come from?

Ferre stood up, taking away her empty coffee cup and dumping it in the sink. “Keep your voice down and stop swearing,” he scolded. “Aimee’s upstairs.”

R stood up too, barely reaching his shoulder as she pushed the chair hard under the table and grabbed her coat off the peg, her lips pressed together tightly.

“Wha- Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here.” She did up her coat and shoved her hands angrily into the pockets. “If you’re so desperate for company, maybe you should invite fucking Enjolras over, I’m sure she’s so much better than me in every single possible fucking way!

“Oh, R, don’t be so-”

The door slammed.

The echo reverberated through the house, making the windows rattle. Upstairs, Aimee’s bedroom light flicked on.

 

***

 

She couldn’t go home- her dad was having one of those nights. That’s why she’d gone around to Ferre’s in the first place.

None of the rest of her friends knew about her home situation either, she realised as she walked in any direction, just walking and walking until she wasn’t so angry anymore. She couldn’t go to any of them, but she couldn’t go back to Ferre’s and she couldn’t go home, and…

Fuck, she couldn’t breathe.

She felt out of breath, her throat tight and her pulse racing and her palms sweating and her head feeling like she was rushing through a tunnel, the air roaring around her head and she sat down heavily on the side of the pavement, heaving in a breath.

Where was she? She didn’t recognise half of the streets she’d taken, and now she was in a bit of town that she’d never been before. She could have worked her way back, except that she was really fucking dizzy and couldn’t tell anymore which way she’d came in the first place.

She leaned her head on her hands, still puffing in breaths desperately as her lungs constricted. Her cheeks were wet, tears streaming without her even realising she’d started crying in the first place.

Her lips were starting to tingle, and so were her fingers.

She felt ready to burst, wanting to scream but not having enough air and then there was someone there, she could sort of feel them and then there was a hand on her shoulder and a voice that she recognised.

“You go to my school, don’t you?” Said the voice, and she coughed on her own saliva and kept her head down, willing them to go away. “It’s ok,” the voice continued. “It’s ok, I get panic attacks too. Just try and breathe with me, in and out and in… and out. Good. Keep going.”

She was breathing steadier, her body still wracked with occasional hiccups as she sat up fully and looked at the person who was now sitting beside her, their hand still on her arm.

“It’s ok,” They repeated, and smiled.

“I know you, don’t I?” she asked, between deep breaths.

They laughed. They were tall, much taller than her and even thinner than she’d thought possible. They were wearing a bizarre combination- a blue patterned jumper and orange jeans, a leather jacket and doc martins with daisies drawn all over them in tipex. “Sure. I’m the weird one always sitting alone in the library.”

Grantaire cracked a smile at that. “In that case, I’m the rude one always getting thrown out of class. Nice to meet you.”

“Jean Prouvaire. Well, Jehan actually. I prefer Jehan.”

“Grantaire. Most people call me R.” She offered them a shaky hand. “And before you ask, no I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jehan raised their hands. “Sure, no, that’s fine. I wasn’t going to ask. None of my business and all.”

“Yeah… Thank you.”

“No problem.”

She sat for a few more moments and then stood, taking a few shaky steps.

“Woah, wait. R, what are you doing?”

“Walking, what does it look like?”

Jehan’s face clearly displayed their disapproval at that plan, but they shrugged anyway and caught up in a few long strides. “Are you going home?”

“Sure, yeah, that’s exactly where I’m going,” She lied with a shrug.

“Oh, ok. I’ll walk with you.”

“What? Oh, no, it’s fine. Really, I’m ok.”

Jehan frowned. “Don’t wanna be seen with the weird kid, huh? It’s ok, I mean, I totally get it.”

“No, no! That is not what I meant.” She paused, and sighed. “Ok, fine. Look, I’m not really going home. I don’t really have anywhere else to go. My dad’s completely wasted so I can’t go back to my place and I usually crash at Ferre’s, but he’s being a dick so I walked out and I don’t know, I just kept walking until I got here and then I realised I was lost and started panicking and then I met you.”

Watching her with eyes wide, Jehan bit their lip. Then they nodded and took her hand. “Come on,” They said. “You can stay at mine for the night.”

“Are you being serious? You literally met me about five seconds ago and now you’re inviting me back to your place?”

“Sure,” they grinned.

“I could be a serial killer for all you know!”

“Oh, but what are the chances that we’re both serial killers?”

Grantaire spluttered a laugh, and wiped the sleeve of her raincoat over her eyes, her eyeliner smudged all over the place. “Won’t your parents mind?”

“Nah. They’ll be overjoyed that I’ve finally found someone willing to speak to me,” they joked.

R winced. “Owch. Don’t you have a group at school?”

They laughed sarcastically. “Oh, so you haven’t heard of me then?”

“What? No..?”

“Jehan Prouvaire, fucking freak, talks to himself and if you look in his eyes you can see how fucking crazy he is, he’s gay too so watch your arses around him, and he wears women’s clothing too, fucking perv!” Jehan sing-songed, mocking, but then their shoulders dropped slightly. “Don’t… tell anyone I said that.”

“What? No, of course I won’t… Jesus. I had no idea, I just thought…” What? You just thought what, exactly? Her subconscious needles her irritatingly. You didn’t give a shit, you didn’t think about anyone else.

Jehan smiled at her tiredly. “It’s ok.”

 

***

 

After that, Jehan became a permanent fixture in her life.

The next day at school, they had come up to her in the corridor, timidly like they’d expected her to deny all knowledge of ever meeting them and laugh in their face, but of course she didn’t.

Combeferre didn’t speak to her at all, giving her a confused look as she walked straight past their table at lunch to sit with Jehan like he didn’t fucking realise he’d done something wrong. It made her stomach churn, thinking of all their years of friendship that might be lost now.

Jehan was kind though, and nice, and funny, and it was good to sit with someone who didn’t always blow her off for…

Who was walking straight towards her, scowling.

Grantaire shot panicked eyes at Jehan, who shot panicked eyes back, but by then it was too late.

“Hello, R,” Enjolras said, and she’d barely said anything but it made Grantaire’s blood boil.

“What do you want?”

Enjolras looked a little taken aback by her tone and shrugged, then looked down at the piece of paper in her hand. “Courfeyrac wanted me to give you this. It’s an invitation to a party she’s having on Saturday. There’s one for you, too,” she added to Jehan, who raised their eyebrows and smiled at her.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Also, Joly wants to know why you aren’t sitting with them anymore.” Enjolras bit her lip and R couldn’t help but think suddenly that she’s a person too, a real life actual person who might have made mistakes but maybe didn’t mean them. “It wasn’t to do with me, was it?”

Grantaire looked down at the bit of paper in her hand, the envelope decorated in typical Courfeyrac style with little yellow suns and rainbows and smiley faces. She cleared her throat. “Um, I need to go. I just remembered I need to hand in my English essay, come on Jehan…”

 

***

 

For the next few days, she desperately tried to avoid talking to anyone from her old group, even Joly. She sat with Eponine and Jehan mostly, and even though Enjolras tried to talk to her in class and even moved to sit next to her in their shared philosophy class, she refused to answer.

She just felt… bad. Like her life was sort of spinning out of her control.

It wasn’t until the Thursday before the party that Combeferre actually tried to speak to her at all.

He sidled up to her in the corridor as she was digging through her locker, trying so hard to find her good paintbrushes amongst all the clutter.

“Hi,” he muttered, looking at his shoes.

“Oh. Hi,” Grantaire replied and did not look out of her locker.

“Um. So, I wanted to apologise. For the other night. I didn’t realise how much this whole thing with Enjolras was getting to you so much and I’m really sorry…”

Finally she looked up. He’d taken off his glasses and was cleaning them on his shirt. His eyes looked slightly mole-like but also slightly teary. “It’s ok,” she blurted, surprising herself. “I was being stupid.”

“No, you weren’t, actually. I spoke to Enjolras.”

“Is that why she keeps on trying to talk to me?”

“Probably… I spoke to her, said that she’d upset you and she was really worried. Thought you hated her.”

Grantaire frowned.

“She didn’t want to annoy you, she said. You spent… you still do spend all of your time doodling in your sketch book and she thought you just didn’t want to talk to anyone. And she was a bit jealous too, she said. We were much closer than any friends that she’d ever had…”

“Oh,” R felt a bit sorry for her now.

“So, do you forgive her? And do you forgive me?”

Grantaire threw her arms around his neck with a smile. “I forgive you, and I’m sorry too. I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

“But… I mean. I don’t know. I don’t really need to forgive her for anything, she didn’t really do anything wrong. I just need… to apologise to her probably.”

 

***

 

After that, a kind of uneasy peace was established between the two of them, Enjolras and Grantaire. They were hardly what you’d call the closest of friends, but they tolerated each other now, much better than before.

There was finally peace in the group, she thought to herself as she lay across Joly and Bossuet’s laps, with her sketch pad perched on her knees as she delicately drew Jehan’s portrait. Jehan was sitting with Courfeyrac, a soppy smile on their face and a book in their hand as they tried helplessly to help Courf with her French homework. Eponine was perched behind her on a rickety blue school chair, plaiting her hair and spying on Marius as he listened eagerly to Enjolras. Combeferre was sitting between her and Enjolras, listening while she read an essay draft out loud to him.

For once, things didn’t seem all that bad.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)


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